Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Give Me Faith

Ladies and gentlemen, I am still, in fact, alive despite my total lack of blogging. If you're my FB friend I have; however, been instagramming it up. Its currently just a quicker way of documenting the kid's lives... and meals.... and each bath.... and everything else I'm now embarrassed I've posted. I would probably unfriend me on facebook.... I'm obnoxious when it comes to posting pictures of my kids doing things only a mother would find precious. I digress....

Let me explain my absence.... life has been busy, probably just like yours. Avery is teething molars and is up 3-6 times a night, Parker is still unsuccessfully potty training after 3 months, 3 good friends moved/are moving to Texas, my sister (and 3rd child) moved to NYC and my heart is just in pieces about it. I'm tired.... physically, emotionally and spiritually. I've invested a lot of my time and heart into my friendships with these girls and especially with my sister and I literally physically ache as if parts of myself are moving along with them. Each night I have a laundry list of things to accomplish after the kids go to bed and to be honest, by 8pm I am totally worthless. Mary Sunshine, my happy face, has been to a few play dates lately and some I've just had to skip all together. SO UNLIKE ME... and I hate it.

I know the potty training and molars are a small season of life and will pass despite feeling like unmovable mountains some days. I've felt weak as a mom. I feel frustrated. I'm worn out. I'm tired of the check out lady at Harris Teeter smiling at me each time I buy a new can of spot shot carpet cleaner because she knows its to clean up MORE pee on my new, pretty... now not so clean carpets. I miss my happy baby who doesn't fuss all day... and I feel disappointed in myself for being frustrated with a 13 months old who is teething nasty molars and pooping all day. It obviously isn't her fault! I am blessed BEYOND measure and I know that full well, please don't misunderstand me. I am just in a season of life of change, loss and whines.... 3 things I'm not super found of, or if I'm being honest, dealing with well.

The other day a sweet family friend posted on facebook that her mother whom I'm been praying for during her battle with cancer and rejoicing in her cure now has a brain tumor. It was sobering as a cancer survivor myself but immediately God gave me the song "Give Me Faith" by Elevation Worship. I posted it for her to listen to but couldn't get it out of my own head. It wasn't until I truly listened to some lyrics I'd previously passed over did I understand that God gave me this song not just for our friend but for myself as well.

Take a listen:

"Give me faith to trust what you say. That you're good and your love is great. I'm broken inside. I give you my life. I may be weak but your Spirit's strong in me. My flesh may fail but my God you never will...."

I found such peace in this affirmation because God led each of my friends to Texas and orchestrated Kelly's move to NYC by opening doors and closing them as well. I may not understand it and I may be absolutely heart broken about it but I've got to give it to God and trust the He's got "it" covered. I may feel weak and worthless by 8pm... and some days 8am if I'm being honest... but my God isn't. He's equipped me with the abilities and strength I need to raise my children, wipe "one more" poopy hiney, clean up "one more" accident, and get up "again" and "again" and "again" in the middle of the night.

God speaks to me a lot through song and my heart is thankful to have been given this song and to finally be at peace today for the first time in a while. I hope you find the affirmation of God's faithfulness and peace that I've found today and am resting in.


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