World Cancer Day Soapbox

Today is World Cancer Day. I'm not entirely sure what that means. Are we raising awareness of cancer? Celebrating survivors? Remembering those who fought the fight but didn't make it? Facebook was vague on the details but one thing is for sure. I had it. It sucked. You don't want it. I strongly suggest preventing it. 

Port Surgery

If you've read my post before, I don't regret my cancer. It was a growing experience for me, personally. If you've never read "my cancer story" they're linked here and here and various places throughout my blog but I think those best sum it up. Though I don't regret my cancer, I can't say it was my favorite season of life, either. It was my 1st year of marriage, my 1st year of my "big girl job", it was EXPENSIVE, it robbed me of fertility (but PRAISE GOD for my MIRACLE BABIES!). Yes, it took my hair but let's just be honest.... I rocked it Sinead O'Conner style. Who wore it better?!

 Don't answer that.

What cancer didn't take was my faith. My hope. My joy. My marriage. My will. I never gave it that power.

I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Doctors aren't sure what causes lymphoma but as most of you know, there are many things that we DO know that can cause cancer. 

This is Derick's soapbox...I'm going to borrow it from him for a moment. If I knew how to use photoshop, I'd photoshop my own little soap box but since I don't, I'll steal Derick's. I bet he won't mind.

Cancer can happen to you. It happened to me at age 23 and I learned a very valuable lesson....I am not invincible. Not all of you have figured that out yet. Be informed and make your own decision based on your knowledge of facts. Not all cancer can be prevented but many CAN be! Other cancers can be cured with a high remission rate with easy detection. Tonight, I beg you to inform yourself of your risk and decide if your choices are worth it. 

Smokers, here is a black lung vs a healthy lung. Have you ever seen someone die of COPD? I have. It's awful watching someone struggle to breath. I don't want that for ANY of you. Is your cigarette worth it?

 For those of you who like stats and math.... I'm no math wizard but I'm pretty sure this means 90% of lung cancer is attributed to actively smoking. That seems like a pretty good reason to not smoke.

Tanners, I was once one of you. The best naps of my life occurred for 20 minutes at Palm Beach Tan. Fact... Tan fat is prettier than pasty white fat. I get that. Thus the reason I got the BEST SPRAY TAN OF MY LIFE for these family pictures. 

We all know tanning beds can cause cancer. I have a friend currently going through a YEARS worth of treatment for melanoma. A YEAR. A whole year of her life feeling sick, fighting for her life.  I'm sure she would be happy to talk to you about her experience with skin cancer and how she also thought it would never happen to her. It happens to 1 in 5 Americans. Wear sunscreen... the good stuff  and get out of the tanning bed, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. I will rub sunless tanner on you for free. You're welcome. 

Terrible Eaters, I too love M&M ice cream cookie sandwiches. Yes, Cool Ranch Doritos are absolutely considered a meal on Super Bowl Sunday.... but on Monday, eat some kale. Fact with no merit or link to prove it but I'm pretty sure it's true.... Americans eat awfully. We consider this food:

Apparently these are McDonald's Chicken Nuggets...not strawberry yogurt as my husband thought

I'm fairly certain (with once again no facts to back this up) that the majority of us who have had cancer have put it in ourselves by the crap we (including myself!) eat. Would you eat the cleaning solution under your sink? You'd be surprised that most chemicals under your sink are in the food in your pantry, 

 Don't get me wrong, I currently have NO interest in curbing my once twice a day Dr Pepper but be smart about it. Dunkin Doughnuts for breakfast, Taco Bell for lunch and McDonald's for dinner isn't food. Just go drink some 409.... it's got the same nutritional value. 

Get Groped.  Get Naked.  The survivor rates of all cancers are infinitely higher when detected early. Be in tune with your body and it's changes but make sure to get checked. Men have a lower survivor rate of cancer because they wait so long to get checked. It's once a year. It's the doctor's job. What may be awkward for you isn't a blip on their radar. Strip for a dermatologist. It may save your life. Have your breast smashed in a machine. It may save your life. I've never had a prostate exam and nor do I want to google it but you should get one... whatever that entails... just do it... it may save your life. 

Some of you may not like this post. It may make you feel guilty. Good? I mean, I'm NOT judging. I have tanned. I sometimes eat Doritos chased with a Dr Pepper and one time I smoked a cigarette in college... I choked. (sorry mom & dad) I Googled facts and graphs from websites that seemed legit... who knows if they are... but what I DO know is that cancer is real. It happened to me. It can happen to you. I care enough to make you feel uncomfortable and my life from 2007-2008 gives me a platform on which express these opinions.

My hope is that each of you will take your health into your hands. While much of this post is written in jest, the message is serious. Reduce your risk, get checked yearly and live a long and healthy life. 

 OK, OK, little squirrel. Off my soapbox! Happy (?) World Cancer Day, friends!

5 years cancer free!!!!

As of January 31st I am officially in remission from Hodgkin's Lymphoma! What a difference 5 years makes! God is SO good!

I went from having just graduated college, working in marketing, newly married and building our 1st home to cancer in just 7 months. I've always told people God was into the details with me. By accident, I took too many credit hours in college and graduated a semester early so Daniel and I moved our wedding up from the summer to April. I got a job working at a marketing company that had a waiting period for health insurance of 6 months. I started feeling sick in May and would rally for a few days and then feel worse again. As frustrated as I was that it took doctors 3 months to figure out what was wrong with me, if they had been quick, my insurance wouldn't have kicked in yet.... and I would certainly be in a very different financial situation than I am now! I had full insurance for 11 days when I was given my diagnosis! The company I was hired by let me work from home when I didn't feel well or when my cell count was too low to be in public which was a huge blessing. Graduating early meant that I had a job, insurance and a husband during my cancer. God is SO good!

I called the oncologist this week and asked "What does this 5 year mark mean for me?" We've always just discussed the plan to remission. Well.... it's here so now what? Honestly, not much changes on the treatment/prevention front but mentally, it feels different. Each time I've gone for a scan, I've sat down and thought out a "what if" plan. What if it's back? What if I have to move to Duke? What would I do with the kids? It was always comforting to my Type A self to have a plan... thankfully one that I've never had to implement. I'm not saying I'll never think these thoughts again but the "what ifs" don't seem to bare as much weight anymore. It's liberating. God is SO good!

I finally sat down and watched this season of Parenthood. The one where Kristina has breast cancer. While our cancers were different, I related to each step of her journey from diagnosis, to waiting for treatment, to the 1st chemo, days of consuming massive amounts of sugar, days where you want to retreat, moments where people stare awkwardly at you, having fun with wigs, set backs and that last chemo treatment where you finally see the light at the end of the nauseating tunnel. I'm just SO thankful that my experience was while I was young, otherwise healthy and without children. That definitely would have been so much harder. I praise God for sparing my children from that and for giving me children despite my grim odds! God is SO good!

Like I said, God is SO into the details with me. My mom prayed the vainest prayer ever and asked God to not let me eye brows and eye lashes fall out so I didn't look so sick. Check the pictures... they thinned but I kept them! He saved some of my eggs so I could have these miracle babies. Oh how I love parading them into the oncology office dressed ridiculously cute with big ass bows on. Despite the trail of crushed goldfish we leave in the office, I think they brighten some of the patient's days. God is SO good!

Tomorrow I'm having a party... for me.... thrown by me where we will celebrate.... me. We'll also be celebrating God's goodness, grace and mercy but I' not sure if God likes to celebrate with wine and cake as much as I do.  I thought this was going to be a great idea and now I feel silly for doing it but is there really a better reason to throw a party, drink margaritas, eat cake and dance? I think not. To being 5 years cancer free!!!! CHEERS!


I thought I'd share personal photos of that time. I believe I've shared 1 or 2 before but not these. Excuse the pictures of pictures. These aren't on my computer anymore.

The day I had my hair cut off for locks of love

Goodbye pretty hair!

Receiving my 2nd chemo. Steroids for nausea packed on the pounds fast. I may be the only cancer patient to gain 15 pounds during chemo but at least I felt better than most! Sour patch kids give you a momentary break from your mouth tasting like metal.  The dose of chemo I took made me hot and sweaty one moment and freezing the next so in most pictures I wore a tank top, coat and a blanket to cover all temperature changes.

This is how I slept during chemo thanks to ambien. I STILL miss ambien sleep. BEST pharmaceutical drug ever created. You sleep for 8 hours and wake up ready to conquer the day. Tear.... until we meet again, ambien.

This was me at my sickest. You can tell I was a weird shade of green, puffy and my eyes were pretty lifeless. The woman on the right was my infusion nurse.

After my 1st clean scan! My mother actually had dairy queen make a cake that said "Taylor kicked cancer in the ass." Not a word I've ever heard her throw around! :) Also, what in the world am I wearing? Anyways, still looking green but certainly happy to have a clean scan... and eat ice cream cake.

Brittney Spears shaved her head, wore a shirt like this and beat a man's car with an umbrella while I was bald so I rocked this for Halloween. I can't tell how how many dumb people in the grocery store would ask me when they saw my bald head:  "You a big Brittney Spears fan?" Quite the opposite, thank you!

Peace of Mind and Pumpkins

Since finishing my last round of chemo for Hodgkin's Lymphoma on January 31, 2008, I am no stranger to the oncologist office. Thankfully, as time passes I'm able to go less frequently. I'm down to just 2 visits a year which is both exciting and terrifying. There is something comforting about having CT scans. I know in my heart that I am healed from cancer but I treasure a piece of paper confirming it. I wish I had the faith to TOTALLY put it behind me but I'm human and I'd be lying if I didn't admit to thinking about the "what if's" ... particularly around the time I see "Dr. Hellner 9:30" on my calendar. Yesterday was the day!

I'm SO close to being considered in remission (January 31, 2013) that instead of having my usual CT scan, my oncologist agreed to a chest x-ray instead. It's a happy/sad for me. I just assume have a PET scan that would catch any little bit of cancer but the risk are higher and its a lot of radiation.... and $8,000. Have I ever mentioned how much I loved having PET scans?! They wrap you up in warm blankets like a burrito, give you a zanex, place you on a tiny table in a circular machine and play chirping birds while you stare at the ceiling painted with cherry trees and birds overhead. Its so relaxing that I usually fall asleep.

The x-ray was quick, less radiation and WAY less expensive so we went that route this time. I'm sure if anything looks questionable, they'll perform a CT scan but I am pretty excited to be moving closer to my remission date even if it does mean less check ups (aka... medical peace of mind). I know God will use this time for me to find more peace in His healing and less in a piece of paper with images I don't understand anyways.

My mom and Avery joined me while Parker was at school and Daniel was at work. I LOVE taking my miracle babies to the oncologist office! Avery was such a little ray of sunshine in a typically less than cheery place. Miss A ran around the office making people smile while I had blood work, a check up and my x-ray.

My appointments are usually a family affair. We've all come to love Dr. Hellner. If you ever end up with cancer (which I pray you don't!), I encourage you to look up Dr. Hellner with Levine Cancer Institute. She's been a real God send.

Afterwards, my mom, Avery and I did a little shopping, had lunch and picked up my new laptop from Best Buy. I am SO thankful Daniel was able to retrieve my files but the hard drive was DEAD. It was such an old netbook that it made more sense to buy a new computer than a new hard drive so here I am... typing on my new HP! It's twice the size of my netbook so it's taking some time to get used to but I'm really liking it!

We picked Parker up from school then headed to Hall Family Farms to enjoy some outdoor time on a GLORIOUS day! The kids enjoyed a hayride, getting dirty in the sand box and picking a pumpkin! Parker picked the biggest and most expensive pumpkin left in the patch... he is MY son... he's got nice taste.

Parker is a bit under the weather so I brought him home, put him in his PJs and laid him on the couch. I put on Beauty and the Beast and was SO pleased he wasn't begging me to put on Thomas! Come to find out, he fell asleep 5 minutes into the movie but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to enjoying it. I still knew EVERY word to EVERY song. Watching it got me a little excited for Avery to enter the Disney princess phase as long as the princess sass doesn't come with it. Girlfriend is sassy enough as it is!

I don't have my x-ray or blood work results back yet but I'm sure they're fine. I have peace in my heart about the results but my human mind is looking forward to the "you're all clear" phone call. Only 3 more months and I'll be considered IN REMISSION! Which I will be celebrating by throwing myself a party!

Living Life Openly

This is one of those post that you write in your head, then blog, then retype and you're still not sure if you wrote it right. It's SO easy for me to share my life. I've always said that I'm an open book and while that may be true, I tend to share chapters like my hobbies, kids and home much more willingly than my faith or cancer diagnosis because the coordinating pictures are just much more fun. I LOVE talking about God with my girlfriends but I'm not as bold as I should be with strangers... probably because I'm too much of a people pleaser and tend to run from controversy just enough to still know the scoop but far enough away to not be in the center of it. Another chapter of my life (that feels more like a book in and of itself) is my diagnosis in 2007 of Hodgkin's Lymphoma, cancer of the lymph-node system.

I thought that I already shared my cancer story but I can't find it on my blog. I know I've shared bits and pieces but I thought I'd share today the road leading up to my diagnosis. One of the the most common questions I get is "How did you know you had cancer?" Obviously, my goal in answering this question is never to scare people but to encourage people to be advocates for their own health care and listen to their bodies.

Daniel and I were married on April 20, 2007 (4/20.... I know... everyone points that out to me but I didn't realize it until too many vendors were booked!... also.... FRIDAY is our 5 year anniversary! WOO HOO!). On our honeymoon, I started to not feel well. I blamed it on being stressed from the wedding and the Dominican water. When we came home from our honeymoon, I still wasn't feeling well. I blamed it on job stress. Then, I started to notice that I couldn't walk up the stairs to our apartment without feeling winded. I blamed it on a lack in exercising since the wedding... basically, for 2 months, I blamed my yuckiness on whatever I could think of.

The defining moments for me were at 2 weddings. At my friend Katie's wedding, I had NO energy to dance. I couldn't seem to get a full breath. By Jessica's wedding the next weekend I couldn't get out of bed. Jessica was my best friend growing up so I wasn't going to miss it! I literally had Daniel bathe me and I put on an ill fitting dress, my glasses and no make up. I was a vision but I was there. By the reception, I was running a fever. The next day, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with pneumonia. After 3 days and continuing to get worse, I went back and was diagnosed with bronchitis, pneumonia and flu like symptoms. FINALLY, by the third visit, in tears, I begged the doctor to do something. She did a chest x-ray and determined that I needed a CT scan.

The next day we did a CT scan. I was expecting to hear I had scar tissue from an extremely bad case of pneumonia. The following day, I got a call at work that the doctor wanted to talk to me and do blood work. I left work immediately and went by myself. I remember what I was wearing... a black strapless a-line dress from the Gap that I wore to high school graduation with a pink cardigan over it and cute strappy high heels. The doctor told me she suspected I had lymphoma but needed to do a PET scan to confirm. I remember only being in the office for 20 minutes tops. I called my boss and asked for the day off. Obviously, she agreed. I got in my car and drove to my tiny apartment in tears singing "It is well with my soul." I didn't feel that way at the time. It wasn't well with my soul... it was very not well but I wanted it to be so I kept singing those words until I believed them. I sang "Walk by faith" by Jeremy Camp and "Praise you in this storm" by Casting Crowns over and over and over as my attitude anthems. My parents also kept me occupied with house projects like refinishing a table.

My PET scan confirmed Hodgkin's lymphoma. After the longest month of my life (with the exception of Parker being in the NICU for the month of March/April of 2009) filled with test EVERY day for something, port insertion surgery and moving out of our apartment and into our 1st house, I started chemo August 5th, 2007. After 12 chemo treatments and 7 months, I was finally cancer free. I have been cancer free now for 4 years and no longer dread my 6 month check ups because I have a faithful God who has completely healed me from that awful disease. I really look forward to next February 1st when I can say at the 5 year point that I am in full remission. Doesn't that just sound glorious!?!

We already claim victory in the name of Jesus over my cancer but continue to have routine CT scans not because I don't believe in my healing but 1. for insurance purposes  2. its the standard course of treatment that can essentially get my oncologist in trouble if we don't follow and she'd drop me as a patient and she's been awesome so I wouldn't want that. 3. I sleep better at night. I'm a human and and I believe I'm healed but I sure like a piece of paper confirming it.

Tomorrow is my routine CT scan and while I know God is still victorious over my cancer, I covet your prayers for continued healing. A woman who I don't even know was recently given a verse to share with me from a book of the Bible I didn't even know existed. Am I the only person who's never heard of Nahum?

"Whatever they plot against the LORD
   he will bring to an end;
   trouble will not come a second time." ~Nahum 1:9

I take a lot of comfort in this verse as a confirmation that my cancer is gone. It's a chapter in my life book that is many pages behind but that shapes all subsequent chapters. Thank you for your continued prayers and please know, I really am an open book and welcome questions and comments even about subjects like this that seem too touchy. My cancer is a part of my life that I embrace and harbor no ill feelings towards because I KNOW in my heart that I serve a God even bigger than cancer. :) Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow!

Friday the 13th

July 13, 2007, Friday the 13th,  I was diagnosed with cancer. It's been 4 years and 2 babies later and I couldn't be more delighted about where I am in life!

I have a folder in my email account of 108 emails of encouragement. I didn't save them at first and I wish I had. There were moments in my cancer journey that I wasn't receptive to encouragement or discussion of "the c word" at all and other times when I relished it. Anyone who describes cancer as a roller coaster journey emotionally and physically is right on the money!

Tonight I went back and read through them and this time, they were different. What I noticed this time, 4 years removed, was my mom's desperation in her update emails she sent out. My mom campaigned for prayers like politicians campaign for votes. Now, as a mom myself, I understand her emails on a deeper level. The poor grammar, the misspelled words, the incomplete sentences... poor thing was a wreck but she did a pretty good job of putting on her cheery Mary Sunshine face for me. I can only imagine if either of my babies went through cancer I would just fall apart. I'd go through it 10 times over myself so neither of my babies ever had to experience it. I'm so grateful for the updates she sent so I didn't have to, the people she rallied around us in prayer and the sores she developed on her knees petitioning for my healing.

I found an email I wrote that I wanted to share with you that I feel reveals more about me and my journey than pretty much any other post I have written or will write. Sorry this post is looonnnng and not super funny or picture filled BUT, it is a part of me that I do feel is important to share. A little background info. I was diagnosed on July 13, 2007, By January 31st, 2008, I finished my last chemo treatment. In May, I went for a routine scan and was shocked to know the cancer had returned SO quickly. I wrote this email and sent it to my mom in hopes she would send it out to our prayer warriors. She did. They prayed. God healed!

Mom, Thanks for forwarding this to everyone who has been on your update list. I know God heard their prayers and I want to make sure everyone knows how thankful I am for that. Sorry it’s long but it’s so hard to shorten such joy!

 

Mark 9:23 states that God can make anything possible to those who believe. I truly feel that we are living this verse.

 

Last Tuesday when I got the confirmation that the cancer was back, I was devastated. No 23 year old, newly wed wants to hear she has less than 50% chance of beating this cancer again. Having just lost a friend’s wife to the same disease only one week prior, I felt like I was given a death sentence. I was told I would likely never have children and if I beat this and it came back a 3^rd time, there was really nothing they could do. The treatment would include nasty chemo, radiation, a bone marrow transplant and week living at Duke. I already felt defeated. After taking it in, I knew I needed to be strong for my parents so I put on my game face and decided that “I” could beat it again. For 3 days I kept reassuring myself that “I” could do this, thinking that I was having a positive attitude until I went to my small group and rediscovered 2^nd Corinthians 4:16-18. Even though I thought I was being positive, in actuality, I was trying to take control of my own destiny. You all began praying and believing with me that God still heals and He has 100% control of this situation. It was so difficult at first to ignore the 2 PET scans that 3 doctors had confirmed were reoccurrences of the cancer but we all kept our eyes not on what we saw on the scans but what we believed God could do.

 

May 12^th I went into a biopsy truly believing that the doctors would find nothing. At 9pm that night, my doctor called me with the “unfortunate” news that despite taking 6 samples, they must not have gotten it and she’s sorry that they would need to do another one on Thursday (tomorrow morning). I know God healed me. I was awake for the biopsy and I watched them take GREAT samples out of the tumor. I can’t wait for this biopsy tomorrow to prove to the doctors yet again that God works miracles! I know He also heals through doctors but I truly believed that He has healed me as a testament of everyone’s faith so that I can be a living example of Christ’s compassion, grace, mercy, wisdom, power, love, and all other characteristics that He has shown me. Thank you so much for each of your faith, prayers and words of encouragement. You will never know how much I appreciate each of you and what you have invested in my life. I would like to ask for continued prayers that each test bewilders the doctors and that they will eventually realize that I am healed and not a human pin cushion! Tomorrow’s biopsy is a little riskier as it’s with a bigger needle which increases the chances of deflating my lung.  I also pray that God gives me the words and boldness to continue to share my message of God’s miracle in my life and that people’s hearts would be open to receiving it (95% of my co-workers currently think I’m crazy).  I’ll leave you with the words of the popular Christian song “Praise you in this storm” by Casting Crowns which has been my anthem this time around and I hope they remind you, as they have me, that God has never forgotten or left us. Everything is for a reason, hardships are a temporary season of life that builds character and strength and nothing is ever as bad or scary as it seems. Praise God!

 

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
My hope in sharing this is that you are encouraged by God's faithfulness, His power, compassion, love and vastness. Please feel free to share this with anyone who you think may benefit. I truly believe that I have been charged with using my experiences to encourage others or help others walk through their cancer journey. Know that I'm an open book to talk about my cancer and am always willing to talk with "your husband's cousin's best friend's sister." I was introduced to a friend, Kimberly, that way and she was a huge help to me throughout my cancer journey.

Can you believe that 4 years ago, that was my life? ...And now my post and emails are filled with pictures of the children I'm not supposed to have, trips to the beach, play dates and baby giggles!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Personal Victory Celebration!

In the busyness of life lately, I forgot to CELEBRATE a huge personal victory! On January 31st, 2008 I finished my LAST CHEMO!

Yes... this is possibly the WORST picture of me EVER... but it was a day for celebrating, even though I felt like death. We PROBABLY should have taken the "yay it's my last chemo pic" prior to receiving 6 hours of chemo and turning yellow. On the left is my oncologist and on the right was my infusion nurse. Big cheerleaders of mine!

It's insane how much life has changed since then! I have a baby I shouldn't be able to have and another miracle on the way! My hair is (let's be honest) pretty amazing, long and full of life and body (I can brag about this right?) Looking at me now, 3 years later, the only visible sign you can see is my port scar and 95% of people just think I was knifed instead which is WAY more gangster and it makes me laugh.

There's definitely been a change of heart. I became hard and cold to other people's problems during my cancer. It was tough to be compassionate and it's something God is really working on me with. I'm starting to see change, albeit S.L.O.W.L.Y! Sympathy, empathy and compassion are all qualities I have never had in abundance but pray to learn and feel. I see this change in my new found heart for preemies and young children in terrible circumstances. Hopefully, it continues to flow to other areas as well!

So today, despite whatever Daniel's test results are (we find out at 11:45)... today is a cupcake and sunshine day because we have SOO much to be thankful for and today we're claiming victory in that! Amen!

I leave you with this video: Healer by Hillsong. Yes, the man singing (Mike) faked his cancer and this should infuriate me but that doesn't negate the fact that this is an AMAZING song and God worked wonders in me through the lyrics of this song. This song gave me the words to claim in the name of Jesus for healing of my body and I pray and sing the same lyrics over Daniel now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_MQtokXCb4
Unfortunately, blogger is being silly and it won't let me add the video so you can watch it here but you can click the link and it will take you to it.

"For NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE for YOU! YOU hold my world in YOUR hands!"

Do you have a personal victory you're celebrating? We'd love to celebrate and praise Jesus with you! Leave a comment below!

Deja Vu

This morning my "I'm not so sick that I need to go to the doctor" of a husband FINALLY agreed to go to the doctor. He's been feeling badly for a week and some days have been so bad I set my alarm every hour during the night to check on him. I've been a couch dweller in attempts to not get whatever he has.

He tells me about his appointment 35 minutes before it's to happen and I was going with him whether he wanted me to or not. (in efforts to NOT let him minimize his symptoms!) SO... I threw on my new, gray maternity sweatshirt/tunic, black leggings and tennis shoes. My hair was pulled back in a pony tail (of course with a black bow) and I wore blush and mascara... my go to, I'm in a time pinch must wear make-up! I got Parker dressed (cutely obviously to draw people's attention away from me and to him!), threw some diapers, fruit snacks, bananas and milk in the diaper bag and we ran out the door.

Why I rushed is beyond me because we then all sat in the waiting room eating our breakfast and laughing at what messes we looked like while Parker rearranged the coffee table reading selections. He found AARP magazine to be particularly fascinating. Nonetheless, when they called Daniel's name, we walked back to "the room." It was the room that in June of 2007 I was in alone, with perfectly hot rolled hair, a black dress, pink cardigan and way work inappropriate funky summer colored heels on. It was the room where I was told I had cancer....

It was the same doctor. She asked Daniel the same questions. She felt his nodes, just like she had mine. Then she sent him to get blood drawn and a chest x-ray... just like she had done for me. It was MAJOR Deja Vu.... but this time, I had a toddler with me who was spinning her chair in circles, throwing his sippy cup in the trash and telling the doctor "no mine" when she asked if she could have her chair. I looked a mess.... much less put together than I was that day in 2007 and a nice size basketball has replaced my once flat abs. I guess the only other main difference between now and then is that I'm 93.8 times (to be exact) happier now in my maternity tunic and unwashed hair with my slightly misbehaved child and 100 times healthier! Regardless.... that room made me uncomfortable. Those same questions made me anxious and the X-ray waiting room... well it just wasn't going to happen. Daniel and I drove separately so I was thrilled when Daniel suggested that Parker and I head out... no need to wait with him.  Thank the Lord!

BUT now... we're home. And we wait. This office is NOTORIOUS for not calling back with results in a timely fashion. It's HIGHLY irritating. And if you miss the call, you might as well know you're not hearing back for a day or two. So we each have our phones attached to our hips in case we get the call. The call for what? We have NO IDEA. The doctor seemed pretty clueless as to what he has. Mono? Meningitis? A combination of an infection/flu? Lymphoma? There were a lot of questions asked about a family history of diabetes? So impatiently I wait... praying for the best, laughing about the worst. Really... lymphoma? If Daniel has that, I want to qualify for some special prize like a Mediterranean cruise for people who have ridiculous stories of bad luck combined with overflowing abundances of blessings. Too bad Oprah is done doing her favorite things... surely this would qualify us as candidates for that show! That situation would almost be laughable... after I finished sobbing for a few days.... and so we wait.... impatiently....

Butterflies

I get my CT scan results back tomorrow and I have to say, I'm a little nervous. I shouldn't be! God healed me and I AM CANCER FREE but something about getting these results back always puts butterflies in my stomach. In March of 2008 I had a routine scan that turned out was not so routine. Unfortunately, my cancer came back and it was news I wasn't expecting to hear. My tumor had become active again just 2 months after I finished chemo. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I felt like it was SO unfair and I felt defeated that day. I wore a polka dot dress to the oncologist office with my spiky hair and tan heels. They told me my chances to make a full recovery would be 40-60%. BUT as we know.... percentages and chances don't matter to God. His plan for my life was 100% recovery through His healing powers!

Back to today.... When I get close to a CT scan, I notice myself being hypersensitive about any pain, sniffle or cough. I've noted everything I've felt for a month on a piece of paper. My poor oncologist is in for a LONG appointment! I'm pretty sure 99% of my "so called symptoms" can be explained by chasing around a toddler and going to bed too late! Tired? Sore? Random Headaches? Your probably thinking "I have all of those symptoms! Do I have cancer too?" These weren't even my symptoms when I did have cancer but you have to understand, I do and probably always will think that 1st! I'm betting that's pretty normal for people who have my medical history.

I KNOW I'm still healed and I don't feel like I'm doubting God... I feel more like I'm doubting this broken down body of mine... or maybe my "luck." Seriously, who has cancer, twice, is told they'll never have have kids, has one, gets attacked by a dog, has pre-eclampsia and has a preemie all in 3 years? ME! ha ha. I LOVE my life and am thankful for my blessings but I sure did go through 3 years of storms to get them! I'm hoping my run of blessings isn't up yet! I'm really enjoying this run of "good things!"

This scan also means a lot to me because Daniel and I are ready to make Parker a sister (or brother if God has a different plan in mind). I really need this scan to come back great to feel comfortable going through a pregnancy since I can't have scans during those 10 months and if my cancer were to come back then, we'd we left with an impossible decision.... one I'm praying and believing I'll never have to make!

All that to say.... I have butterflies that I look forward to releasing tomorrow at 12:45!

Me, God and the Keebler Elf Truck

Don't you love when God puts you at the right place at the right time? Yesterday, it was behind a Keebler Elf truck. It was glorious. A warm, beautifully crafted rainbow chip cookie was coming out of the little golden oven and the creepy little elves were all around the hollowed out tree kitchen making fudge stripes.... hmmm.... I can taste them. After almost rear ending the Keebler Elf truck (wouldn't that have been awesome! I wonder if they would have given me the damaged cookies?) I started paying more attention to my surroundings. It was then I heard a familiar tune on 91.9 (christian radio). HEALER......

The song Healer has special meaning for me. While battling cancer there were songs that I would play over and over and over using the lyrics of the songs as my prayers to God for healing. The more I would sing the lyrics, the more I believed in the power of the words I was speaking. Unfortunately, the song Healer (originally done by Mike Guglielmucci of Hillsongs) was tainted when Mike faked having cancer but other artist such as Kari Jobe have rerecorded it, restoring the power of this song. The song Healer and Praise You in this Storm by Casting Crowns reminded me on a daily basis that God could and WOULD heal me of cancer. He proved faithful and healed me.... TWICE!

My favorite line in the song is "Nothing is impossible for You. You hold my world in Your hands." I can't tell you how many times God has revealed that to me.... most lately in the eyes of my child I was told I wouldn't be able to have. Cancer robbed me of my hair, fertility and 1st year of marriage but God restored all of that and has proved to be infinitely more faithful to me than I deserve.

One would think I would be on my knees daily praising God for my blessings. Healing, my child, health, Parker's health, my husband etc.... but for some reason.... I stray like a lost puppy. Usually not for long... God kinda loves me a lot and doesn't let me go too far but I love how He meets me where I am to remind me of my need for Him... yesterday, it just happened to be the Keebler Elf truck. :)

Here is the Kari Jobe version for your listening and praising pleasure
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvIEJ_PmqJ8&feature=related

And the simple but powerful lyrics:
Verse:
You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

Pre-Chorus:
I trust in You
I trust in You

Chorus:
I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Bridge:
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

Check out my little miracle "then" and "now"... for NOTHING is impossible for Him.