Friday, January 16, 2015

Dear Letters

Back by popular demand....

Confession... I had to reset my blog password just to log on... it's been awhile and I make no apologies for it. We are living life in a very real way...homeschooling, play dates with friends, trying to sell our house and compulsively cleaning. Did I mention we're trying to sell our house?

That brings me to today's post... a rambling list of passive aggressive letters that I have no intentions to actually mail to the offenders but need to write because they're festering and what better way to do that than to do it publicly for you to enjoy and hopefully share some of your own!

Dear whole world,
We have a wonderfully, darling family home. Could someone buy it already? Yes it needs paint... paint that I'm offering to pay for. It even comes complete with a crew to accomplish said task and you get to pick the color. What more could you want? Granite? Got it. New Floors? Already done. Freshly laid tile? Yep. Irrigation? Check. Sod? Freshly laid last summer. I mean for the love of marshmallows, people. I've resorted to making cookies, setting up a coffee bar and offering bottles of water. Would you like a cheese plate? I'll do it.

Dear Neighbors,
MERRY CHRISTMAS! Oh wait... that was like 22 days ago and yet Snoopy, Mickey Mouse and every other inflatable and mismatched Christmas light you could find on sale still remains in your "yard." That's right... air quotes... because yard is a very loose term for what is in front of some of your houses. I think it's time to "let it go" possibly forever and invest in some nice garland and white lights that are removed by Epiphany...or January 2nd if I had it my way. It's not like I'm trying to sell my house or anything... thanks for the help. This should serve as your notice that by Feb 1st should they not be removed... I'm very sorry to hear that someone stole them overnight. That's just horrible.

Dear people on facebook who suggest locking your children in their rooms,
That's right. I wish I were kidding. Twice this week on different friend's statuses did I see people suggest to lock their toddlers in their rooms at night. You have a CHILD... not a puppy. They have emotional needs so yeah... sometimes they get out of bed because they need the comfort of their parents. So your child has a bad dream, they try to come find you for comfort but they can't because you've locked them in a room.. They get sick in the middle of the night, they try to come find you but they're locked in their room so they sleep in puke. Sound awful and mean? Well you're right... it is.

I'm not saying "co-sleep" (although we allow our children to come into our bed if they wake up) but I am saying be available. Toddlers are hard. I get it... but so is reversing emotional damage you've caused your children by your inability to do your job. You're parents 24/7... not from 6am-8pm or whatever hours you decide to clock out. It doesn't work that way. Quit locking your children away like dogs or Disney Princesses. When they're out of the house, I doubt you'll look back any of these long nights and wish that time away.

Dear high school drivers,
Did you know that you can get from point A to point B without your phone in your hand? Shocking, I know. I was at a stop light this week when high school let out. I counted 13 cars in a row pull out of the HS parking lot where the kids had their phone in hand. The 14th had a SUPER SWEET new ride and I can only assume he was on Bluetooth. It is also possible to make a turn without peeling out. Your tires may even last longer... you should give it a try. In addition, did you know that the crazy lady who yells at you to slow down in a neighborhood actually means it? Clearly you don't think I'm serious since you do it DAILY but fun fact.... my road is actually not a runway and no matter how fast you drive, you will not take flight. It's disappointing, I know.

Dear people on Facebook "market sites",
I too love a bargain but no, I will not meet you 20 minutes away to sell you a $2 book. I think these sites may be more of a hassle than it's worth!

Dear Realtors,
When you no show, it's rude.... and I'd be lying if it doesn't ruin my day. It's not like I haven't cleaned for hours, made cookies, brewed coffee, packed up my menagerie and driven around in my swagger wagon for 2 hours so you could come or anything.We love showings! .... when you show up. Oh and feedback, fill it out.... and be tactful, I do have feelings. For the % commission you make (which seriously makes me ill), at least show up, fill out feedback and eat a damn cookie.

Dear body,
We don't turn 30 for another month... what's up with the sudden slow down in metabolism and crows feet? Let's not rush this aging thing.

Well there ya go. I feel lighter. :)  Post your passive-agressive "Dear Letters" here or in the comments section on facebook.

Remember this is a NO JUDGEMENT ZONE... kinda. I mean.... it is the internet.

...and it's been a sweet forever since I logged on, look how much P&A have grown! They're like little people now... no more babies (Yay? Tear? ...depends on the day)

1 comment:

  1. Hilarious as usual Taylor! We absolutely hated the no shows when we were selling our house too (and the ones where we had little to no notice of a showing happening because we didn't want to turn down any showings... one I remember we had 30 minutes notice for... talk about speed cleaning!). It was on the market for 6+ months so I feel your pain... although I cannot imagine doing it with two kiddos. Hope it sells soon!