Dear Letters!

A while ago, I confessed that I like to write people "dear letters" in my head. Why? Because it would be inappropriate to actually tell people some of these things but it's kinda like telling them if you add "dear" in front and keep it in your head. You'll feel so much better! Give it a try. Here's mine:


Dear Landscaping Dude,
After brutally killing our "pet" writing spider on the front porch, you have redeemed yourself! Thank you SO much for the spider that you caught in a mason jar and drove out of your way to our house to deliver! Spidey is even bigger than Charlotte was! That was pretty cool of you!

Dear Cat Lady Subaru Forester Driver,
You must live nearby because I see your car a lot. It's hard to miss the single stick figure, 5 cats and 6 additional cats with wings and halos. I bet that if you removed those stickers, or at least all the dead cats and 3 of the living cats, you may find yourself adding a male stick figure to the back window. Just sayin'....

Dear Liam,
Now that Parker and Avery are both potty trained, I've decided I'm done with diapers. I'm gonna need you to be wonder kid and get on board the potty train ASAP.

Dear Chick-fil-a,
When I ask for no pickle, that means I want a sandwich that has never had a pickle on it.... EVER... or even near it, really.  I can still taste it when you peel that gross thing off and the 2 soggy circles in my bun aren't lyin'.... I still love you though!

Dear Parker,
Iron man is awesome. I love that you love Iron Man. But the shirts... oh the shirts. Maybe let's just wear something other than Iron Man for a few days.  Your other clothes miss you.

Dear Sweet School Children,
I'm sorry your school makes you go door to door selling crap with the promise of pizza parties and $.25 Oriental Trading plastic junk. I will set out a bowl of candy and rubber duckies as prizes for not trying to sell me anything. I HATE saying no to your precious faces but I REALLY don't want a citipass or coupons or wrapping paper or dare I say it, even girl scout cookies. Would anyone else rather just pay $100 more a year in taxes to save our children from door to door selling?! Can I get an amen?!

Dear Avery,
You have arguably the most comfortable bed in the house. Please stay in it until the clock says 5 something. You scare me almost every night when your little hand suddenly touches mine as you hoist yourself over me and into the middle of the bed. I love our cuddle time but child, you're going to give me a heart attack sneaking up on me like that! Climb up your dad's side of the bed. He wouldn't wake up anyways.

Dear Miley Cyrus,
No one looks good licking a sledgehammer... NO ONE. While I actually kinda like your wrecking ball song, I'm ashamed to say so because that video is umm....embarrassing to watch.

Dear Santa,
Parker has a list on the ToyRUs website. I may have made a mistake when I taught him to make a wish list on the iPad. It's 72 items long and every one of them are Iron Man or LEGO related. Good luck with that list.

Dear Great Clips Lady,
While I realize I only paid $6.99 for my haircut, I did give you titillating conversation and a decent tip. Why did you cut one side of my hair an inch shorter than the other? Was the coupon for only half my head? Yeah that's right.... I used the word titillating. BOOM.

Dear One Direction,
Don't tell anyone, but I really like your song "Best Song Ever".... it's Liam and my jam. We're pretty awesome car dancers as most of the preschool carpool line now knows.

Dear Husband,
That shiny thing to the right of the sink.... it's a dishwasher.  It's like a jacuzzi for your dishes. They really like it in there with all their buddies. You should try putting your dishes in it! They'd love you forever and so would your wife.

Your turn, friends. Got any good dear letters?

*And before anyone writes snide comments about me not being nice. I'm super sarcastic and this is all meant in good fun.... except the sledgehammer part.... unless your Heidi Klum... she would probably still be beautiful while tonguing a sledgehammer.