Butterflies

I get my CT scan results back tomorrow and I have to say, I'm a little nervous. I shouldn't be! God healed me and I AM CANCER FREE but something about getting these results back always puts butterflies in my stomach. In March of 2008 I had a routine scan that turned out was not so routine. Unfortunately, my cancer came back and it was news I wasn't expecting to hear. My tumor had become active again just 2 months after I finished chemo. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I felt like it was SO unfair and I felt defeated that day. I wore a polka dot dress to the oncologist office with my spiky hair and tan heels. They told me my chances to make a full recovery would be 40-60%. BUT as we know.... percentages and chances don't matter to God. His plan for my life was 100% recovery through His healing powers!

Back to today.... When I get close to a CT scan, I notice myself being hypersensitive about any pain, sniffle or cough. I've noted everything I've felt for a month on a piece of paper. My poor oncologist is in for a LONG appointment! I'm pretty sure 99% of my "so called symptoms" can be explained by chasing around a toddler and going to bed too late! Tired? Sore? Random Headaches? Your probably thinking "I have all of those symptoms! Do I have cancer too?" These weren't even my symptoms when I did have cancer but you have to understand, I do and probably always will think that 1st! I'm betting that's pretty normal for people who have my medical history.

I KNOW I'm still healed and I don't feel like I'm doubting God... I feel more like I'm doubting this broken down body of mine... or maybe my "luck." Seriously, who has cancer, twice, is told they'll never have have kids, has one, gets attacked by a dog, has pre-eclampsia and has a preemie all in 3 years? ME! ha ha. I LOVE my life and am thankful for my blessings but I sure did go through 3 years of storms to get them! I'm hoping my run of blessings isn't up yet! I'm really enjoying this run of "good things!"

This scan also means a lot to me because Daniel and I are ready to make Parker a sister (or brother if God has a different plan in mind). I really need this scan to come back great to feel comfortable going through a pregnancy since I can't have scans during those 10 months and if my cancer were to come back then, we'd we left with an impossible decision.... one I'm praying and believing I'll never have to make!

All that to say.... I have butterflies that I look forward to releasing tomorrow at 12:45!